Determined Denial
by Blood Rose Vampiress
Summary: Lavi has always tried to keep his feelings for Kanda in check, but when something unexpected happens, his self restraint is pushed to the limit and may break completely.


A/N: Hi there, here's chapter one of my new fanfic! In later chapters the rating will probably change to M, but for now you're safe. (; Also, just to let you know, there is both a lot of humor and angst in this fic.

Disclaimer: I don't own D. Gray man. If I did, Lavi and Kanda would be having hot, hot scenes every chapter.~

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_Determined Denial: Chapter One_

Something was going to happen today, Lavi could feel it. The sensation of change was ever so present, hanging all around him, weighing him down. When had the air become so stifling, so suffocating? The bookman's apprentice didn't think for a moment the change would be good. He'd felt this far too often. The sun shown lightly on the young exorcist through the large windows of the Black Order hall, but Lavi still felt chilled. Rubbing his arms and trying to ignore the feeling, he walked down the long, wide hall, looking around him at the familiarities of the Black Order.

The redhead had just gotten back from a mission with Allen a few hours ago, a long, tiring one that had threatened to push him to his limit- again. He'd fallen right into his bed like a brick and was out in seconds, snoring so loud it could probably be heard down the hall. Though his mind and body were thoroughly exhausted, he only managed to sleep for a little while before his growling stomach woke him up.

"Ah, it's good to be home," Lavi commented, yawning. Despite his extreme relief that the mission had finished, he still couldn't shake that feeling. He had the suspicion it would continue to nag at him until the something finally happened- most likely not something good. Lavi shook his head, sighing under his breath. Hopefully nothing that demanded immediate action. His body was still sore and bruised, and he wasn't ready for any more battles just yet. The war with the Noah seemed to have calmed down a little right now, but everyone knew that didn't mean anything. The enemy could just be watching, waiting for the right time to strike. Waiting until the exorcists had let their guard down, then _bam!_ And that was why they must stay focused, be on alert, every minute of the day, even when they were sleeping. They couldn't give the enemy any opportunity to get the better of them.

Turning the corner, Lavi stepped into the large cafeteria, the smell of delicious food immediately hitting his nose and the sound of happy chatter meeting his ears. He couldn't help but smile slightly, despite his earlier feelings of uneasiness. These small things reminded him that even when he was away from the Order, life went on as usual, and when he returned, it was like he had never left, the friendly atmosphere welcoming him back with open arms. To him, there was no place he'd rather call home.

But he couldn't get too attached. He knew that, deep in his mind. There still needed to be a line, however thin, separating him from everyone else. But sometimes, sometimes, he ignored this. Sometimes he just wanted to feel like one of them.

"Lavi!" A cheerful voice rang out from a table not far from the right and the redhead turned to see Allen, table already piled with several empty dishes, waving at him. Lavi shook his head, a grin stretching across his face. It was just like Allen to already be here. He probably hadn't even gotten any rest since they arrived back, his stomach always taking first priority. Shuffling his feet tiredly, Lavi made his way to the table, plopping down across from the white-haired boy and looking over at him.

Then his eyes fell on the younger exorcist's plate and he proceeded to stare. And stare. And _stare_. "How the hell can you eat that?" he exclaimed before he could stop himself.

Blinking, Allen glanced up from his octopus balls at the pointing redhead whose eye was wide and trained on the snack, a look of horror on his face. "They're good, Lavi," he replied calmly, picking one up and popping it into his mouth as if it were a potato chip.

"It's octopus," Lavi shot back, shuddering. "Do you have any idea what octopus does to you? It makes you insane! What do you think Komui eats for lunch half the week?" Though it was only a hunch, he felt it was a pretty accurate one. After all, those disgusting little things just had to be evil!

Looking down at the perfectly round balls on his plate, Allen just shook his head, eating another. If they really did that (which he greatly doubted), he was too hungry to care. He'd only eaten five dishes so far since returning from the mission.

"Hey Allen, Lavi!" came a cheerful voice and a pretty girl with short raven hair sat down beside Allen. "...Are those octopus balls?" Lavi's eye turned toward her, studying. He could see the dark circles under her eyes, and though her voice was light, he knew the extreme affect the war had on her too.

Rolling his eyes, Allen continued to stuff his face. "Yes, Lenalee, they are. I don't care what happened to Komui, they're good!"

"Ehh? What happened to my brother now?" Lenalee shook her head, plucking one off Allen's plate and popping it into her mouth. "I just asked because they're my favorite, but I never saw them in that color before." Normally the balls were purple, today they were light blue.

Allen shot Lavi a triumphant look across the table and the red-haired exorcist groaned in defeat. "Yeah, Jerry decided to dye them blue for Easter." Never mind Easter was weeks away, Jerry was always way ahead of things. There had been red and green potatoes in November. But still, it was just one of the many things that made living here at the Black Order enjoyable.

It was like they were playing a game, Lavi thought, watching as his friends laughed and chattered, smiles on their faces. Everyone here was playing a game, him included. One to escape, if only for a moment, the troubles that weighed them down. They never completely forgot though, keeping a small part of their minds aware at all times. But this was a game he would gladly play, as it was the best way he knew to keep himself from sinking into his deepest feelings.

"Hey, guess what?" came a voice from the left, and they all turned to see one of the members of the science division, Fenir, standing there. Normally he wasn't seen much in these parts, as he worked long hours and hardly ever got breaks, but he guessed even the science department needed time off. The next words to come out of his mouth though were something Lavi never expected to hear, not in a million years. Hell, he would be less surprised to be told Bookman was skipping down the hall, a jolly smile on his face, singing Christmas carols.

"Kanda has a girlfriend!'

Frozen. All the redhead could do was stare in shock at the tall blond man, mouth hanging open. Kanda. A girlfriend. Those two words did _not _go together.

Apparently, however, Allen and Lenalee didn't seem at all shocked. "I know," Lenalee chimed, smiling. "Arena from your department, right?"

Arena, Arena, Arena... Lavi searched his mind, trying to put a face to the name. Then it came to him. A petite, pretty brown-haired girl of about seventeen that had joined the Order a month or so ago. He hadn't spoken to her yet, just seen her around once or twice. Lavi felt something in his chest, squeezing his heart, racing through him. Anger. When the hell, in the middle of this goddamn war, had Kanda gotten a girlfriend? And why did he seem to be the last to know about it? Given he'd had a lot of missions recently, but still, so had they all! And he'd always made it his job to learn what he could about the raven-haired swordsman, busy as he could be...

"Hm, I wonder how she deals," Allen put in, breaking through the redhead's thoughts, and everyone laughed. Lavi felt himself doing the same along with the group, responding cheerfully, smiling, as always, hiding behind the mask he always wore. _There's nothing wrong_, he told himself. _There shouldn't be anything wrong. You should be happy that Yu-chan found someone he could love. _

But he wasn't. Not one bit. Getting up, not hungry anymore, Lavi stretched, yawning. "I'm tired, I'm gonna go back to sleep," he told the others, grinning and rubbing his eyes. "That mission was exhausting, even for someone like me!" He waved as he walked stiffly out of the room, feeling somewhat like a zombie, the anger and shock still coursing through his veins.

Out in the hall he took several deep breaths, closing his eye and leaning against the wall. This wasn't right and he had to stop it. Practically ever since he had joined the Order he'd been a little more than drawn to Kanda than he should be, despite Bookman's warnings and the screaming in his own head to stop. There was just something about the young swordsman, something that demanded his immediate attention. Thinner and thinner the lines were getting.

"Yu-chan..." Was that his voice, so soft and longing? All at once he wanted to pull the swordsman close, feel him against his body. Free that beautiful, long raven hair from its tie, watch it cascade over his shoulders and run his fingers through it, seeing if it was really as soft as it looked.

_Stop it... stop it..._

He wanted to lean in, slowly connecting his lips with those of the other exorcist, kissing him softly but firmly, then more deeply, passionately. Slip his tongue into Kanda's mouth, hungrily devouring him.

_Stop it, you've got to stop!_

He would throw him to the bed and press him down, running his hands all over his firm body. Tear his close off and lick and caress every inch of that beautiful pale skin. Hear his soft moans, feel his hot breath, watch as Kanda slowly came undone as he-

"What the hell are you doing? You're blocking the door!" The redhead snapped out of his daydream, blinking to see the object of his fantasies staring at him, a look of obvious distaste in his eyes. Those enchanting eyes... Glancing around, Lavi noticed that he had drifted down the hall and in front of the door to one of the training rooms. Man, he must really be out of it!

Laughing cheerfully, he stepped away from the door, grinning. His voice was as light as always, as if he didn't have a care in the world. "Ah, sorry, Yu-chan~"

"Che." The dark-haired exorcist scoffed at him, walking past into the other room, the door swinging shut behind him. Lavi paused for a moment, as if trying to restrain himself, then gave up. He peeked through the small window, watching the other go until Kanda was out of sight.

His heart was pounding. Hard. He lifted a hand, pressing it to his chest, and closed his eyes. The things that damn guy did to him! Trudging back towards his room, he stopped and glanced out a window. After he was done training, where would Kanda go? Would he see _her?_ Would he lay with _her_, kiss _her, _touch _her?_ Make love to _**her?**_ Lavi's face had contorted in a grimace, hands clenching into two fists at his sides. Shaking. He took a deep breath, forcing himself to relax, to calm himself, and looked at the beautiful world outside.

Two birds flew happily through the blue sky together, not a care in the world. As he watched, Lavi narrowed his eye and turned away, walking quickly back to his room.

Once there he shut the door, kicking away some clothes on the floor and making his way to the window, drawing the blinds closed until the room was dark. He didn't feel like seeing the sunlight right now. Almost tripping over some books (his room was far from neat), Lavi flopped down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He hated this feeling, hated it so much. He wanted it to go away and for life to be simple. No, that was a stupid wish. Things had never been simple for him and he doubted they ever would be. But these things he felt towards Kanda... this _attraction_... and this jealousy (he grudgingly admitted that was what it was) towards the girl... why couldn't they just _go?_

A long sigh escaped Lavi's lips. Despite wanting Kanda to be happy, he wanted that girl- he had already forgotten her name, out of the picture. She wasn't needed. He doubted she could give Kanda the things he needed anyway. And Kanda didn't need to be distracted by some girl when they were in the middle of a war, right? For Kanda's sake they shouldn't be together.

Kanda. He just wanted to help Kanda. It was all for Kanda. For Kanda Lavi would make sure their relationship ceased to exist. For Kanda he would break them up, make sure the swordsman had time to focus on the war so he would be less likely to get hurt. He wouldn't get any more involved than that. That thin line would never disappear completely. Then, when the task was finished and Kanda was free, he would be happy. He would be. Lavi slowly drifted to sleep, trying to convince himself of that.

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A/N: I hope you enjoyed this~ I'd love to know what you think and if you would like to see more. Oh, and constructive criticism is always welcome! ^^


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